Garden Variety Porn

They started arriving in my mailbox before Christmas, unsolicited, filled with photos that couldn't possibly be real. There is Bibi Maizoon on the same page as Tamora, so perky and perfect that I know they can't be real. They must have been touched by an expert with an airbrush. On another page is Arnold Promise, standing firm in spite of the obvious cold. And the glory of a two-page spread of the Green Giant, fast growing and magnificent. If that's not bad enough, it gets even more obscene. There is Grandma's favorite, Kentucky Wonder. The Atlantic Giant, described as "eye-popping" is only a page away from Big Chili with his "mammoth size" and "mild flavor." And don't forget the jumbo melons of Athena. If small is more to your liking there is Jack-Be-Little and Thumbelina. If you like them young, there is Bell Boy and Baby Boo. If you like a multicultural touch there is the Eastern Prince, General Sikorski and Jeanne LaJoie. And if you like things on the wild side, there are the Seven Sisters and Midnight Showers. There is something for everyone and I cannot resist. I started folding pages and making stars next to those who tempted me the most. I've had my eye on Adam's Needle for some time now and this year he is 40% off! And how can you go wrong with a few Caribbean Cocktails and Harry Lauder's Walking Stick? Even though the walking stick is on sale, it's still out of my price range, but it is good to dream big. Every year I bite off more than I can chew. I go crazy, I order too much and can't even plant it all. I look out at the snow and imagine a tropical paradise. But I will never have a tropical paradise in Minnesota. Looking at the catalogs makes me feverish and instills in me an incurable zone envy. I moon over the luscious greenery and the exotic flowers. But in the end I turn toward the hardy, the ones that can withstand subzero temperatures. This is not to say that these plants are not beautiful, they are. But they are also so--practical. Even the names are practical--Robusta, Reliance and Carefree Wonder. Not exactly names that inspire. There is one thing you will never find in my garden or on my wish list--the George Bush. No amount of fancy exotics will ever be able to make that eyesore presentable. To the compost pile!